Not a Place to Dwell or Running from God My Way

To be honest, I don't really know what to call the place I am in right now. It not the dark side of the soul, nor is it a place of deep, intimate relationship with God. I am not in a crisis of faith or belief. I am trying to listen, but don't always hear or it seems all I hear is silence. It may also be that I hear but choose not to listen.

For me, right now, I don't think is is any of the above reasons. No, what I believe is the issue is that I have chosen to run from God. I'm not talking a Jonah moment where God said do this and Jonah ran the opposite direction. No, my running from God looks more like a guy caught up in the things of life, to "busy" to do the things God wants him to do. Not all things, just the things that make my mind swiril. I find myself engaging in mindless activities instead of engaging in the ponderings that God has set before me.

By mindless activities I don't mean spending time with family and friends. This is a good use of time. But did I really need to watch that TV show or movie, when I had carved out time to do my pondering? Did I need to check emails and see what is happening in the world during the time I had set aside for reading and tweeting? Did I have to let my mind wander and daydream about spring and new projects around the house when I had set aside time to work on my doctoral studies? You see its not about being to busy, I have carved out the time I need, but I then fill those times with activites that don't need to happen when they do. I have time carved out for emails and such. I set aside time to watch my TV shows on Hulu or TV.com. There are times when I can daydream, but I need to keep that in check.

Just like Jonah, I am guilty of running from God. It is not a physical running, rather it is an intellectual running. It really doesn't matter how you are running for the result is the same. Something that God wants me to do is not getting accomplished. Maybe I need to spend a couple of days in the belly of a fish (though I would rather not) to cry out to God, quit running, and to return to the what it is God wants me to accomplish.

Caribou Ponderings

I often wonder what I should be when I grow up. I have come to a point in my life where I have a pretty good handle on who I am, how I'm wired, what drives me, and what stirs my soul. The question that I come to is how do I tie that all together in my life? I very much enjoy what I do, and it does fit who I am. Does it fit perfectly, no but it meets the 80/80 percent Greg talks about when it comes to what we do. The thought goes like this - you are in a good fitting job when 80% of who you are is 80% of what you do. The other 20% of what you do are simply the things that need to get done to do the other 80%. As for the 80% of me, I don't think it is possible to find a job, task, activity, etc that you exercise 100% of who you are. 

That said, to fulfill the missing 20% we take on other ministries, activities, or tasks to use our neglected skills & passions. I guess I need to figure out how in any give day, week, or months I can in fact use all the different skill sets, talents, or gifts to server others and extend God's love to them.

Sometimes...

Sometimes life is great and my time with God is wonderful and productive. Sometimes life sucks and it seems my time with God is like the car stuck in the mud simply spinning its wheels. So where do I learn more? I guess the answer to that is what it is God is trying to teach me.

The "sometimes life is good" learning is deep, rich and rewarding. Writing, teaching, blogging, and tweeting simply flow out of the things I am learning.

The "sometimes life sucks" learning is a lot harder to understand. Often this is where I have to roll up my sleeves, strap me into a chair and start doing the "mechanical" things of being a Christ-follower. In the moment it doesn't seem like I am learning anything. I wonder why I even bother. Writing is tough, teaching is dry, and my social presesence goes away. When life is a little less sucky, and I reflect back on this time I see that I have learned valuable things - perseverance, finishing well, dependency on God and other, and often times I have a new perspective on scriptures I may have studied in the past.

I don't wish the life sucks times on anyone, but then again it can be a time of crying out to God, read many of the Davic Psalms [David had a lot of life sucks moments], it is time to fall back to the basics, it is a time to rely on others in your community [not always an easy thing to do].

If you find yourself in a life sucks moment, turn to God, turn to others, reach for that daily devotional, and persevere in your pursuit of God. He is there with you, walking along side you, just waiting for you to reach out your hand so He can take hold of it.

Knowing God - Through a Psalm of Lament

I have suffered froim bouts of depression for years. Maybe that is why when King David writes about his times of despair they ring so true to me. Granted I don't have peole trying to kill me, at least I don't think I do :), but depression can cause one to feel very alone, affaid,tired, and more - all thinks David writes about in his lament psalms.

The thing that David knows about God and what I need to remember is that God is with us. God is our shelter we can run into when times are tough, when our struggles over whelm us. Knowing God and knowing that He is alway there gives us the glimmer of hope that can light up the darkness that at times can engulf us. From Psalm 57 David writes:

7 I'm ready, God, so ready, ready from head to toe, Ready to sing, ready to raise a tune: 8 "Wake up, soul! Wake up, harp! wake up, lute! Wake up, you sleepyhead sun!" 9 I'm thanking you, God, out loud in the streets, singing your praises in town and country. 10 The deeper your love, the higher it goes; every cloud is a flag to your faithfulness. 11 Soar high in the skies, O God! Cover the whole earth with your glory! The Message

Knowing God - knowing that God is there, that He loves us, know that He is our shelter even when we feel alone and so far away. So in those moment of lonelyness, despair, or trouble - don't run away but rather run toward God who is there for you.

Knowing God - Haggai

I don't know what it is but I really enjoy reading Haggai. Maybe because it is a story set within a larger story or maybe it is because every now and then I need a Haggai to come into my life and ask the question "Why are you spinning your wheels in vain when God wants to engage with you?" I have to admit there are times when I get caught up in my own stuff and forget about spending time with God. This leads me to another "Knowing God" point.

In the case of the Haggai and the remnant they had neglected working on the temple while they went about doing their own thing. To the remnant the temple represented where God would meet with them. It was where the priest would enter in and make the sacrifices to God. God desired to have this meeting place, but the people turned their back on it.

From this I know that God desires to meet with us, to have a place where we can worship Him, a place where we can spend time with Him. This happens at both the community level - church, small groups, etc. - and at the personal level - quiet time, reflections, pondering, prayer. What I need to do is not get so busy in my life that I forget to meet with God at both these places.

What is next?

I recently completed my week long intensive for my DMin program. I was a great class with a wonderful professor and a great group of fellow learners. The question posed in the title is looking at both the short term and the long term. There were so many great ideas talked about in the course - there were six great books we read prior to the class and I now have three or four new ones to read. My short term project coming out of the class deals with the concept of "the ministry of proximity." But there were a number of other ideas and topics that have become relivent to me. Also, I have my "knowing God" project to continue as well.

Longer term I am beginning to pull together thoughts for my doctoral thesis project. It seems as though all my ideas of polar opposites - online community & ministry of proximity, sinners save by Grace vs saints who sin (who we are in Christ), relationally & story editor vs silence & solitude. My goal is to bring these things together in some coherent question.

Still futher out is what I am going to be doing for the last 20-25 years of my active working life - don't really know what retirement will look like. Just need to keep listening for the answer to this question.